7 habits of highly effective Indian Politicians

1. Play fair - no body blows
All politicians are your brothers - even the ones in the opposition who spew venom against you in the media and plot your downfall. If there is an allegation of a rape, murder, embezzlement etc. against a politician, you have to do everything in your power to save them. Even if the politician is in the opposition, save him. Tomorrow he will be in the power and will do the same for you. Professional ethics go a long way.

2. Never forget your roots

Communities vote for you for being one of them. If people of a backward community vote for you, promoting education and welfare in that community will constitute as “forgetting your roots.” 
The moment you pass the ladder he will come up and will not need you and hence won't vote for you.

If the backward vote for you, keep them backward. And proclaim yourself as one of them despite your Z plus security, aerial transport, and multi-billion rupee parks dedicated to you. 

3. Follow the un-issued edict and prove your faithfulness
Let’s say the leader of your party is assassinated. The party cannot issue a direct order for genocide of the assassins’ community. But use your brains and understand that the party high command would really like that very much.
Structure and carry out genocide of the assassins’ community. A legendary carnage will make you an important member of the party. The party will not only protect you forever, they will also reward you handsomely. Nothing could ever be proved against you.

4. Ignore the opposition’s Family members
The scams and misadventures of family members of the politicians in opposition are to be ignored. In return, the opposition extends the same favour to you. You end up making so much money without risking any bad publicity. Your own name remains clean.

5. Dissent is to be handled in a structured manner
Every now and then, some bandmaster will lead a rebellion of the sorts against you. Follow these steps to handle them:

Step 1: Ignore them, unless the issue is becoming too big to be ignored.
Step 2: Discredit the leader of the rebellion. Find some unpaid dues of tax somewhere. His gandpa may have defaulted on his electricity bill 3 decades ago. Publicize this fact to discredit people like Kejriwal and Ramdev.
Step 3: Not much has changed after the independence. You are the rulers now instead of the Britishers. Do what the Britishers did to quell the noise of the protesters Ambushing people at midnight when they are asleep may have better effect.
Step 4: If nothing is working, give some credit to the guy who has whipped up the revolution. Give him a reward and get him to your side. (Anna Hazare was offered the Presidential position.)

6. Give people what they need and they will vote for you.
Apart from a small number of people, who want stupid things like development and law and order, other people have realistic expectations. They want pre-election goodies, such as cash, reservation, color TVs, food mixers, saris, rice, and whisky and even, in some places like Punjab, heroin. Easy to dole out... instant results.

7. Don’t overestimate media outrage
Media and middle class have very short memories. Sometimes they are outraged about some attacks that happened in Mumbai .. sometimes about a rape, sometimes about some harmless scams. They forget things in a while and never bother to vote. Just relax. The masses who will bring you back to power are not on twitter, facebook, or even on one of those 24-hour news channels. Read point 6 again.


Hiten said…
Hi there,

There were some powerful messages in your post. Thank you.
Asit Pant said…
Nice read. Looking forward to more posts from you.

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